


solo

by rulethecourt (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Break Up, Demisexuality, Lack of Communication, Lowercase, M/M, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 06:12:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6789622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/rulethecourt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em> you're not what i need </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	solo

_when you're up north the ice is slick like my voice_  
_she's like “i never left you, this was all your choice”_  
_i can't doubt it now i might lose all my poise_  
_when i mislead you on purpose and fade into the void_

no matter how many people disagreed, tsukishima was always going to be adamant that none of this was his fault. he couldn’t help that he and yamaguchi were the way that they were now, so distant even when standing so closely together. yamaguchi must have done something wrong, it couldn’t be his fault. right?

yamaguchi, of course, disputed this.

yamaguchi had changed while tsukishima had not. yamaguchi became older, wiser and less susceptible to letting people walk over him like a welcome mat to a homeless hostel in london in the middle of winter.

tsukishima included.

he knew he wasn't useless, ugly, untalented, the things he’d been told when he was younger.

and he didn’t just have tsukishima to fall back on to anymore. he had a whole team full of comrades to help him through anything that happened now.

_feeling indigo_  
_how ‘bout you?_  
_i feel indigo_

he felt so down about the situation, but knew tsukishima wouldn’t feel the same. he’d be mostly uninterested, indifferent, maybe even bored by the situation, most likely mentally noting yamaguchi as ‘pathetic’. 

pathetic was his first word to him. maybe it’ll be the last

_and i wish you'd just call, and we could hash it out_  
_i could tell you what i'm so mad about_  
_bet you're sick of hearing me sulk and pout_  
_had so much on my mind ‘til now_

for as long as tsukishima kei could remember, he didn't like change. not in the typical way such a thing is perceived, something along like lines of “wow i am very sad that i have to move house and dislike it a lot”, more like “i fucking hate that i had to move seat in class and it’s making me want to hurt someone or myself.” tsukishima was confrontational, but not violent, so, of course, he didn't do either of those things. change was anathema to him. he fucking detested it. one hundred percent, wholeheartedly, no room for increase, ten out of a possible ten.

when akiteru changed, lied to him, he hated it and he still refuses to talk to him properly for subjecting him to such a thing.

when he had to leave his comfortable middle school, where he was used to everything and everyone there and change to a place that was unfamiliar, where he didn't know the exact way around, he hated it. 

when he got a B in that class he always got an A in, where he was supposed to be naturally talented, he hated it. the teacher could insist that this was the hardest test ever given and he still achieved the highest, they couldn't understand that he wasn't pissed off due to nature of the grade, it was the fact that the grade had changed.

so it was no exception now that he hated how yamaguchi was changing.

he knew that it was good for them both and it was necessary, he knows it’s unhealthy to stay the same between the ages of seven and seventeen, but that doesn't mean he had to fucking like it. and he was going to stay the same, a salt mine of complaints about the mildest inconveniences and snarky, meaningless yet meaningful insults. as not to distract from the natural flow of things.

_like when we gonna do this, the where and how_  
_and if i see you am i gonna curse you out?_

**to: tsukki [05:10am]**  
**can we meet tomorrow?**

**from: tsukki [11:12am]**  
**just come round whenever u want.**

yamaguchi spent the six hours and two minutes that tsukishima didn't reply nervously pacing around his house. he needed to stand up to tsukishima even if it killed him via anxiety in the process. he tried to mentally prepare what he was going to say but nothing sprung to mind. he didn't understand how he could stand up to him when he’d never really done it before. not in this way. this was different to him telling him to believe in himself, in a volleyball sense. this was standing up to his best friend and boyfriend, making him yamaguchi’s first ex-boyfriend. but it is what it is and it had to be done.

some things just aren't healthy for you, and no matter how much it hurts. yamaguchi felt like a cliche as he mentally compared the process to ripping off a band-aid.

_is it enough that i'm up right now?_  
_does it anger you that i chose a different route?_

tsukishima did not know how to approach this situation, having never dealt with it before and having no previous experiences to base a plan off of. he didn't know whether he was supposed to feign sadness, nervousness, anger, happiness. what emotion was socially correct?

he thinks, for the moment, yamaguchi should be thankful that he’s even considering meeting with him. tsukishima feels under no obligation to endure this process that is ultimately going to leave him upset for a while and make things change. is telling yamaguchi ‘no’ a viable answer to the statement “it’s over”? he hoped it was.

_cause i'm sick of feeling that i'm late_  
_tired of having to restate “i can't just sit around_  
_and wait, you're just not someone i can date”_

when yamaguchi tadashi was fourteen years old, someone attempted to punch him in a hidden corner. a revenge attack for laughing along with one of tsukki’s condescending jokes that he’d accidentally whispered to him too loudly.

by this point, tsukishima was already 5’9 and at least four inches taller than the nearest contender, so naturally they would not attempt to ambush tsukki. he could shut them down in an instant. and so, the next viable candidate was yamaguchi. 

when yamaguchi tadashi was fourteen years old, he ducked from a punch in a hidden corner. this was his personal revenge attack, his stance of ‘ _i am not letting you push me around anymore’._

yamaguchi was experiencing a similar feeling right now.

yamaguchi tadashi is seventeen years old and he is going to tell his best friend of ten years, boyfriend of two that _he isn't taking it anymore_. tsukishima is not allowed to treat him the way that he does. 

yamaguchi tadashi is seventeen years old and he is not one of tsukishima’s classmates whom he can throw insults at like sharpened daggers (you’ll never walk alone yamaguchi, only stagger, he’d told him once when he was attempting to do something new, without him) who he can laugh at instead of support when something goes wrong and he expects yamaguchi to just let it go. he is tsukishima’s soon to be ex-boyfriend who honestly deserved a lot more respect than he received.

_now look who can't hold their weight_  
_i hope i'm wrong just for your sake_  
_using pills and flowers to sedate_  
_find me heal me keep my faith_

tsukishima kei was fifteen years old, demisexual and struggling with it. around him, people were quickly discovering what it is like to explore their own and another person’s body and garnering pleasure from it. 

he did not feel the same. he had never let anyone close enough to form the bond that he needs to, in his eyes, enable his sexual attraction. with the exception, of course, that is yamaguchi.

tsukishima kei was fifteen years old and he refuses to view his best friend romantically so desperately, but to no avail. he decides that he has absolutely no choice but to reveal his feelings to him, whether he was rejected or not. he just hoped this didn't change things between the two of them.

tsukishima kei was fifteen years old and that evening, logged his mood as ‘happy’ in his body monitoring app on his iphone. he never thought he could feel so happy from a simple nod and light headbutt into the chest as yamaguchi instantly went in to hug him and mutter how long he had been waiting for this to happen. he’d been dreaming of it for so long, just waiting for tsukishima to make his move. 

tsukishima kei is seventeen years old, he’s still demisexual and he’s still struggling with it. he cant see himself in any future relationships from now on because he knew he’d never had the same level of emotional intimacy with anyone but yamaguchi. maybe, just maybe, tsukishima had started to wish that he’d done things differently now. but he’d never admit that to anyone except himself.

_you have to know every place i go_  
_that feeling stuck that i offered trust and it left me solo_

tsukishima had come to the realisation that he had, in theory, treated his boyfriend kind of badly. but this wasn't all his fault. 

yamaguchi had never, really, opened up to him. on the flip side, tsukishima had laid himself bare to him like he’d never done to anyone before. yamaguchi knew things he’d never tell anyone, not his mom, dad, akiteru. 

_and if i haven't grown from every face i've known,_  
_is it all for not? is that food for thought?_  
_there's things you don't know_

(yamaguchi just didn't want to bother tsukishima. he was scared of being rejected by him for telling him anything. he’d rejected everyone else whenever they tried to communicate with him, why would he be any different?)

_cause i'm sick of feeling that i'm late_  
_tired of having to restate “i can't just sit around_  
_and wait, you're just not someone i can date”_

neither party realised that all they needed to do was communicate and all this would be solved. they just had to have one good, long and meaningful conversation once in a while and all this could have been avoided. 

tsukishima wouldn't be ripping his hair out at the thought of being alone and being without yamaguchi and about things changing when he didn't think they needed to. 

yamaguchi wouldn't be biting his nails down so far they had nearly receded right down to the nail-bed, he wouldn't have made a colossal mess of his olive tinted hair from running his hair through it and he wouldn't have spent so long crying alone when he was supposed to be sleeping or studying for an exam the past few weeks which might have bled into months.

_now look who can't hold their weight_  
_i hope i'm wrong just for your sake_  
_using pills and flowers to sedate_  
_find me heal me keep my faith_

tsukishima was in his bedroom studying for his second year proficiency exam when he heard a knock at his bedroom door at 2:30 in the afternoon on a sunday. he knew as soon as he saw the freckled face of yamaguchi that something bad was going to be happening soon. he felt an impending sense of doom rearing its ugly head from the acidic pit of his stomach. scientists proved that the pH of your stomach acid was corrosive enough to completely dissolve an iron nail. tsukishima felt like the same liquid was burning through his skin, which was much less thicker no matter how hard he willed it to be. he felt like the bones on his body were being prematurely exposed and anyone would be able to see directly through him.

_i feel indigo, you've got what i need_  
_i'm indigo, you've got what i need_

the cut was nice, even and well executed (but it still hurt and yamaguchi still ran out of tsukishima’s residence with tear tracks staining his face and tsukishima might have ruined that page of notes, although he’d always insist that he just spilled a glass of water on it. the ice king wouldn't be convicted of crying over such a thing, not in his lifetime)

_you're not what i need_

**Author's Note:**

> if there are any glaring mistakes apart from the obvious where i absolutely forego the use of capital letters due to aesthetic reasons, please scream at me in the comments!!
> 
> thank you for reading this terrible piece of work you're an angel


End file.
